Random News
by KittyHellsing
Summary: It's three O'clock in the morning, I have just eaten twice my body mass in candy.....HEY a computer! A crossover which includes Phantom of the Opera, Van Helsing, Helling, Rent and tons of other random stuff..very random..you have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer-I do not own Van Helsing or Phantom of the opera or any random crap in this story! 

VAN HELSING NEWS AT 11am

V.H.- Hello and welcome to Van Helsing news the morning addition. Today's top story can you be too sexy? We go to our field reporter Carl.

Carl- Thank you, I am here with Dracula, our field reporter, vampire and one sexy guy.

Dracula-Why thank you.

Carl- And the phantom of the opera, psychotic killer, genius, and yet another sexy guy……with the mask on.

(phan girls glare evilly)

Carl- Why are these men so sexy,

Poto- Genetics?

Carl-Shut up SeXy MoThEr BaNgInG tArD!……..sorry I'm good now.

(poto glares evilly and whips out Punjab)

Poto- Don't make me use this!

Carl- ……..anyway, Why are these guys so sexy?

Dracula- Because I'm the pimp master times 99!

(I'm too sexy for my shirt or what ever that song is called starts to play, Dracula dances like……..ya know what just use your imagination)

Carl- There ya have it folks details at eleven!

Poto- it is eleven.

Carl- Eleven at night smarty pants!

(Poto waves Punjab)

Poto- Don't make me use this.

Carl- Now back to you Van Helsing!  
V.H.- Thank you Carl! Now for the weather with Hugh Jackman. Hugh….

Hugh- Today's weather is very Australian back to you!

V.H.-Thank you, Now for our 11pm schedule.

11:00pm-Why is Dracula to sexy for his shirt?  
11:01pm-Why is Dracula to sexy for his pants?  
11:02pm-Why is Dracula to sexy for his hair?  
11:03pm-Why is Dracula to sexy for his shoes?  
11:04pm-Why is Dracula to sexy for his socks?  
11:05pm-Why is Dracula to sexy for his underwear?  
11:06pm-11:15pm- How Dracula got arrested for indecency.  
11:16pm-The weather with Hugh Jackman.  
11:17pm-11:27pm-The proper way to loop a Punjab with The Phantom of the Opera.  
11:28pm-11:42pm-An interview with an idiot tonight's guest Raoul.  
11:42pm-12pm- The annual coverage of the annual snog competition with contestants including: Anna and Van Helsing, Dracula and his three brides, carl and that random barmaid, Poto and Christine, Valcon and his pillow, MiMi and Roger, Ryan and Colin, Katie Batho and Billy Martin, Sean Athurs and Hugh Jackman, Joanne and Maurine, Raoul and his cardboard cut out of Spiderman, Beky and Bob the Brain freeze Hannah and Orlando, last but not least the Poto again with Jenna Insinga.

V.H.- Well thank you very much for watching and see you at Eleven Good bye.

Random news guy- but we still have 55 minutes!

V.H.- We do?………Well then we go to The Phantom of the Opera for the traffic and maybe some stripping.

Poto-What!

V.H.- Come On Man We Have 55 minutes to blow!

Poto- ……………

V.H.- Please!

Poto-……………………………...

V.H.- Come on man make your decision!

Poto-……………………………...

V.H. Not getting any younger.

Poto- ………………………………...fine.

(And the Phan Girls go wild)

(A/N- Well tell me what you think! Like it, hate it, love it?)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer- I do not own Phantom of the Opera or Van Helsing or blah blah blah……YOU GET THE POINT!

VAN HELSING NEWS AT 11pm

V.H.- Hello and welcome to Van Helsing news at 11p.m. Since Dracula already got arrested we are just gunna skip ahead to the weather with Hugh Jackman! Hugh….

Hugh-Today's weather is very Australian cloudy, with a slight chance of Australian rain down upon our Australian heads, back to you!

V.H.- Thank you, now The proper way to loop a Punjab with The Phantom of the Opera.

Random news guy- He left!

V.H.- Oh…..so lets go to tonight's interview with an idiot tonight's guest Raoul.

Random news guy- He left to!

V.H.- MoThEr FuCkEr!……..sorry, Now we go to the annual coverage of the annual snog competition with our field reporter Carl.

Carl- Thank you I am here underneath the Opera House in the Phantom's lair where the competition is taking place. I am standing here with local resident and competitor the Phantom of the Opera. So how is the competition going for you?

Poto- Well it was touch and go when the crazy phan girl knocked out Christine but she seems to be doing rather well for a 15 year old.

Carl-Oh, well what do you think of the competition?

Phan Girl (Jenna)- Hiss

Poto-Easy girl!

Carl-…….right. So I'm now talking to Dracula, who just recently escaped the clutches of the police so how'd you do it?

Dracula- Rafiel helped me find my god, he was under the tree! Hipoooooo bitch!

Carl-………right.

Dracula- Word homie that's what I'm talking about, now bow down to the tree and pray with me fool!

Carl-Pray, I thought you were the son of the Devil?

Dracula- Hey Hey, My god is a great god and the devil is my bitch, so put that in your garden and make flowers.

Carl-…………..we now go to a commercial break.

Dracula- Hey did I tell you about the time, I went swimming past 12:00?

Carl- COMMERCIAL BREAK! ……….mumble crack baby mumble

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(we open to a kitchen in a normal home)

Woman- Hello do you have a vampire problem.

Random shit head- Yes.

Woman- Then get………

(BUM BUM BUuUuUuM)

Woman- Vamp-off!

Warning: May cause crying, diarrhea and some form of fungus like cancer on your ear.

(A vampire enters. The woman throws the bottle of Vamp-Off at him)

Vamp.-Ahhhhhhhhh, (he explodes)

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Carl- Hello and welcome back we now continue our coverage of the snog competition.

Dracula- G.G.G.G.G G-Unit!

Carl-…………god why.

Dracula- How do you make muffins?

Carl-…..can we get back to the competition?

Dracula- But what about the muffins?

(camera pans off of Dracula)

Carl- Well now that, that's over.

Marishka- Hey now that master has gone crazy can we go snog with Valcon?

Carl- ….sure but he's pretty busy with that pillow of his.

Verona- Hey! I love for ways!

Aleera- ME TOO!

(Then run away to four way with Valcon…..for some reasons beyond my control. BUT our favorite crazy man tackles Carl)

Dracula-whispers Now What about those muffins?

Carl- OW! I THINK YOU BROKE MY LEG!

Dracula- Here take this phone and call your great aunt Milo!

(to be continued)

(A/N- Yay chapter 2! Major shot out to Ally who played Dracula the entire time!) 


	3. Chapter 3

Discliamer- I OWN NOTHING!

Van Helsing News at……….Fuck! Whats the time?

V.H.- Hello and welcome to Van Helsing news at……Hell anyone got a watch?

Random news guy- No Dracula took them all!

V.H.- What? WHY!

Random news guy-No clue. He ran out of here shouting something about muffins!

V.H.- I will never understand that guy. So uh lets go to the weather Hugh Jackman! Hugh?

Hugh- Thank you Van.

V.H.- Uh it's Gabriel.

Hugh-What ever! Today is a beautiful Australian day to go fly Australian kites above the Australian trees!

V.H.- Thank you know for a special report from our new reporter Jack Sparrow.

Jack-Thank you.

V.H.- But first a commercial break.

Jack- What? Hey!

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Erik- Hi I am Erik or if you may The Phantom of The Opera and my mother sold me off to the circus where I got laughed at by hundreds of people everyday and beaten for laughs then I got exposed to the only women I ever loved who got scared because she saw my hideousness then I got deliberately disobeyed by a pair of gay managers who for some odd reason like the singing dying cow over dear Christine then I got betrayed by my only friend then exposed to hundreds of people by my lover then to be left alone again in the dark because she teased me an then left me for an idiotic moron name Raoul De poophead! (takes breaths) but I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico……..wait I don't have a car.

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V.H.- Welcome back now we go to Jack for a special report. Jack?

Jack-Captain Jack thank you! Ello' mates this is Captain Jack Sparrow here reporting on the horrors of FanFictions! (shudder) Now listen here all of you little ones! Slashes between me and ANYBODY are wrong savy?

Erik- I hear you! Just the other day I stumbled upon the 'website' called FanFiction and I must say from the bottom of my heart…..NO MORE ERIK AND RAOUL PAIRINGS PLEASE! THEY KILL!

(The more you know)

Jack- Uh who are you?

Erik- A friend.

Jack- Right. Back to you Van!

V.H.- IT'S GABRIEAL! (breath) sorry now for a guest appearance Alucard from Hellsing.

Alucard- Hello.

(Whoa back up Alucards there?)

V.H.- Who are you?

(God)

V.H.-Really?

(No!)

Author jumps into story and latches on the Alucards leg.

Alucard- Uh?

V.H.- Well try to sort this out in the mean time here's a commercial.

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Jack- Hello viewers of the device known as the "Television" Do you need a little break from your problems that have nothing what so ever to do with me?

Shit Head- Why not?

Jack- Then go get some rum! Hurry now before it's gone!

Shit head- Why would the rum be gone?

Jack- Because the rum is always gone. (tear)

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V.H.- Hello and welcome back, when we left a strange woman had attached herself to our guests leg.

Alucard- And she is still attached to my leg!

V.H.- So were just gunna go ahead with the interview! Mmkay?

Alucard- Sure.

V.H.- So what's it like to be a vampire hunting down your own kind like a homicidal mad man?

Alucard- ……………….uh fun?

V.H.- MANIAC!

Alucard- Watch yourself Van!

V.H. - IT'S GABREIAL FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME!

Van and Alucard start breaking out the six pack of whoop ass! Jack grabbed the mic.

Jack- Um we are facing some minor difficulties please be patient while we work this out!


End file.
